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  1. When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
  2. Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
  3. Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
  4. “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
  5. Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
  6. I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
  7. Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
  8. Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
  9. So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
  10. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

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