The Rain in Spain

SCENE – SEVERAL DAYS LATER IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ LABORATORY

HIGGINS. All right, Eliza, say it again.
ELIZA. The rine in Spine stays minely in the pline.
HIGGINS. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
ELIZA. Didn’t I say that?
HIGGINS. No, Eliza, you didn’t “sie” that; you didn’t even say that. Now every morning where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” fifty times. You’ll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend his ears. Now for your “h”s. Pickering, this is going to be ghastly.
PICKERING. Control yourself, Higgins, give the girl a chance.
HIGGINS. Well, I suppose you can’t expect her to get it right the first time. Come here, Eliza, and watch closely.

[HE STARTS A SMALL BUT COMPLICATED MACHINE AND GIVES ELIZA A PIECE OF PAPER]

Now, you see that flame. Every time you pronounce the letter “h” correctly the flame will waver, and every time you drop your “h” the flame will remain stationary. That’s how you’ll know if you’ve done it correctly. In time your ear will hear the difference. Now listen carefully. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen. Now you repeat that after me. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.
ELIZA. In ‘artford, ‘ereford and ‘ampshire, ‘urricanes ‘ardly hever ‘appen.
HIGGINS. Oh, no, no, no. Have you no ear at all?
ELIZA. Shall I do it over?
HIGGINS. No, please. Start from the very beginning. Just do this, go, “har, har, har, har”.
ELIZA. Har, har, har, har.
HIGGINS. Well, go on, go on, go on.
ELIZA. Har, har, har, har
HIGGINS. Does the same thing hold true in India, Pickering? Is there the peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter like the letter “h”, but using it where it doesn’t belong, like “hever” instead of “ever”? Or like the Slavs who when they learn English have a tendency to do it with their “g”s, they say “linner” instead of “linger”, then they turn right round and say “sin-ger” instead of “singer”.

[ELIZA’S PIECE OF PAPER TOUCHES THE FLAME AND STARTS BURNING. SHE LOOKS AT IT]

PICKERING. The girl, Higgins!
HIGGINS. Go on, go on, go on, go on.
SERVANTS’ CHORUS:
Poor Professor Higgins,
Poor Professor Higgins.
Night and day he slaves away.
Oh, poor Professor Higgins.
All day long on his feet.
Up and down until he’s numb.
Doesn’t rest, doesn’t eat
Doesn’t touch a crumb.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SCENE – SEVERAL DAYS LATER IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ STUDY. HE USING A XYLOPHONE TO PLAY THE TUNE OF DIFFERENT ENGLISH SENTENCES

HIGGINS. Again, Eliza, “how kind of you to let me come.”
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS. No, no. “Kind of you“, “kind of you“, “kind – “, “how kind of you to let me come“.
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS. No, no, no, no. “Kind of you“, “kind of you“. It’s like “cup of tea“, “kind of you“. Say, “cup of tea“.
ELIZA. Cup o’ tea.
HIGGINS. No, no, “a cup of tea”. Awfully good cake this. I wonder where Mrs Pearce gets it?
PICKERING. Mmmm. First rate; and those strawberry tarts are delicious. Did you try the pline cike? [=PLAIN CAKE]
HIGGINS. Try it again.
PICKERING. Did you try the –
HIGGINS. Pickering! Again, Eliza.
ELIZA. Cup o’ tea.
HIGGINS. Oh no. Can’t you hear the difference? Put your tongue forward until it squeezes on the top of your lower teeth and then say, “cup”.
ELIZA. Cup.
HIGGINS. Then say, “of”.
ELIZA. Of.
HIGGINS. Then say, “cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of”.
HIGGINS & ELIZA. Cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of.
ELIZA. Cup, cup, cup, of, of, of
PICKERING. By jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea. Why don’t you finish that last strawberry tart? I couldn’t eat another thing.
HIGGINS. No, I couldn’t touch it.
PICKERING. Shame to waste it.

[IT IS OBVIOUS THAT ELIZA REALLY WANTS A CUP OF TEA AND SOME CAKE]

HIGGINS. Oh it won’t be wasted, I know of someone who’s immensely fond of strawberry tarts.

[PROFESSOR HIGGINS GIVES THE LAST CAKE TO THE PET BIRD]

ELIZA. Aw-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!!!
SERVANTS’ CHORUS:
Poor Professor Higgins,
Poor Professor Higgins.
On he plods against all odds.
Oh, poor Professor Higgins.
Nine pm, ten pm
On through midnight every night.
One am, two am, three –

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SCENE – LATE AT NIGHT IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ LIBRARY. HE IS PUTTING SMALL ROUND MARBLES INTO ELIZA’S MOUTH

HIGGINS. … four, five, six marbles. Now I want you to read this, and I want you to enunciate every word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth. “With blackest moss the flower pots were thickly crusted one and all.” Each word clear as a bell.
ELIZA. Wiv bra’ess moss the flo’er poss … I can’t. I can’t!
PICKERING. I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?
HIGGINS. If they were necessary for Demosthenes, they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle. Go on, Eliza.
ELIZA. Wiv bla’vess moss the flo’er poss were thi’y …
HIGGINS. I can’t understand a word! not a word!
ELIZA. Wiv bra’evs moss the flo’er poss were thi’y cru’ed one an’…
PICKERING. Higgins, perhaps that poem’s a little too difficult for the girl. Why don’t you try something simpler, like the owl and the pussycat? Oh yes! that’s a charming one.
HIGGINS. Pickering, I can’t hear a word the girl is saying.
HIGGINS. What’s the matter?
ELIZA. I swallowed one.
HIGGINS. Oh, it doesn’t matter; I’ve got plenty more. Open your mouth. One, two –

SERVANTS’ CHORUS:
Quit, Professor Higgins,
Quit, Professor Higgins.
Hear our plea or payday we will
quit, Professor Higgins.
“A”, not “I”, “O” not “Ow”,
Pounding, pounding in our brain,
“A”, not “I”, “O” not “Ow”,
Don’t say “Rine” say “Rain”.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SCENE – PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ STUDY VERY LATE AT NIGHT. ALL THREE ARE VERY TIRED. HIGGINS HAS A BAG OF ICE ON HIS HEAD.

HIGGINS. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
ELIZA. I can’t. I’m so tired. I’m so tired…
PICKERING. For God’s sake, Higgins, it must three o’clock in the morning. Do be reasonable.
HIGGINS. I am always reasonable. Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can.
ELIZA. I got an ‘eadache too.
HIGGINS. Oh. Here [HE GIVES HER THE BAG OF ICE]. I know your head aches; I know you’re tired; I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher’s window. But think what you’re trying to accomplish. Just think what you’re dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it’s the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that’s what you’ve set yourself out to conquer Eliza, and conquer it you will.
HIGGINS. Now try it again.
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS. What was that?!?
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS. Again.
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS I think she’s got it, I think she’s got it.
ELIZA The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

HIGGINS:
By George she’s got it!
By George she’s got it!
Now once again, where does it rain?
ELIZA: On the plain! On the plain!
HIGGINS. And where’s that soggy plain?
ELIZA. In Spain! In Spain!

ALL THREE IN CHORUS:
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
HIGGINS. In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire…?
ELIZA. Hurricanes hardly happen.

ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS. Now once again, where does it rain?
ELIZA. On the plain! On the plain!
HIGGINS. And where’s that blasted plain?
ELIZA. In Spain! In Spain!

ALL THREE IN CHORUS:
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
HIGGINS. Pickering! Pickering, ole! Ole! Ole!

[PICKERING PRETENDS TO BE A BULL FOR HIGGINS’ TOREADOR, AND THEY ALL DANCE.]