"Bad Jokes" By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly from "Prarie Home Companion" Recommended: Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh. There are 18 verses here! Playing with family? Use the ratings to guide you. * ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total) * ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total) * ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total) * ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total) The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes. Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens while holding a D chord. Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses. [Intro] D D/c G/B Bb7 [x2] D G A7 D [Verse 1] (ratedPG) D G The blind man's seeing eye dog D A7 Pissed on the blind man's shoe. D G So the blind man said, "Here, Rover, A7 D Here's a chunk of beef for you." D G And his wife said, "Don't reward him D A7 For peeing on you, dear." D G He said, "I'm trying to find out where's his mouth A7 D So I can kick him in the rear." [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. [Verse 2] (ratedPG-13) D You got one Dusty. D I got one Lefty. D Let's hear it. D G When God created Woman D A7 She had not two breasts but three D G And the middle one got in the way A7 D So God performed surgery. D G And Woman stood in front of God D A7 With the middle breast in her hand D G She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?" A7 D And God created Man. [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. [Verse 3] (ratedR) D G I turned eighty the other day D A7 And everybody was there D G And I was dressed up in a suit A7 D Sitting in my wheelchair D G When a beautiful young naked woman D A7 Stood up in front of the group. D G She offered me some super sex A7 D And I said, "I'll take the soup." [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em A7 Death and sex and such bad taste, G Someone oughta slap my face D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. [Verse 4] (ratedPG) D You ready for another one? D Yea, lay it on me. D G Ollie went to the neighborhood dance D A7 And he won the big door prize D G It was a toilet brush and he took it home A7 D And the next week one of the guys D G Said, "Ollie's, how's that toilet brush? D A7 The one you got from the neighbors?" D G And Ollie said, "Oh, it works pretty good. A7 D But I think I'd rather use paper." [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. A7 You know the reason that farts smell G Is so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. [Verse 5] (ratedR) D G The farmer had a champion bull D A7 Who bred two hundred times a year. D G The farmer's wife said, "Two hundred times! A7 D Isn't that wonderful, dear? D G Maybe you ought to watch him, D A7 Maybe he'd show you how." D G The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull A7 D But it wasn't all with the same cow." D Come on now. [Verse 6] (ratedG) D G My mother turned 89 D A7 And much to our surprise D G She decided to get outdoors A7 D And started to exercise. D G Mother walked ten miles a day D A7 And now she's 93. D G Poor old mother, we don't know A7 D Where on earth she could be. [Verse 7] (ratedG) D G A German shepherd walks into a bar D A7 And says "Hey, I'm a talking dog. D G I know other dogs do tricks, A7 D But you ever hear one talk? I D G How about a drink for a dog D A7 Who's articulate and erudite? D G And the bartender said, "Sure, A7 D The toilet's there, first door on the right." D Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ. [verse 8] (ratedG) D G Last night a man was murdered D A7 It was clearly no accident. D G They found him in the bathtub A7 D Full of milk - two percent. D G There also were sliced bananas D A7 But this was the real chiller: D G There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes. A7 D They think it was a cereal killer. [Verse 9] (ratedPG) D G A man walks into a restaurant D A7 and he looks at the long menu D G And finally the waiter comes around A7 D And says, "What can I do for you?" D G "How do you prepare your chickens?" D A7 Says the man. The waiter replies D G "We don't do anything special. A7 D We just tell 'em they're gonna die." [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. [Verse 10] (ratedPG-13) D You gotta another one Dusty? D Actually I do. D You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen? D No, who they think did that? D Well they don't know, D But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals. D You got another one? D I got another one Lefty. [Verse 11] (ratedR) D G Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died." D A7 His friend said, "What do you mean you think?" D G "Well, the sex is still the same, A7 D But the dishes are stacking up." [Bridge] D Hey Dusty. Yea Lefty. D Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary? D No, I didn't. Yea, it runs in your jeans. D Heya, Lefty. D Yea, go aheadin. D Why do they call it PMS? D PMS, well I don't know why? D Mad cow was already taken. D Hey, Dusty. Yea, Lefty. D What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil? D I don't know Lefty. What do you get? D A religious movement. D Heya, Hey, Lefty. D What did the elephant say to the naked man? What did he say? D He said, "It's cute, But can you really breathe through that thing?" D Come on [Verse 12] (ratedPG) D G "Mr. Jones, I have to complain D A7 About your ten-year old son. D G He's playing doctor with my daughter." A7 D Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done. D G Kids explore sexuality. D A7 I don't see what's the matter." D G "Exploring sexuality, hell. A7 D He took out her gall bladder." [Verse 13] (ratedPG) D G My daughter brought home a boyfriend D A7 With great big ugly tattoos D G And long black greasy hair A7 D And Lord how he hit the booze. D G I said, "Darling, I'm sure he's nice, D A7 But something makes me nervous." D G She said, "He's extremely nice.. A7 D He's doing 500 hours of community service." [verse 14] (ratedPG-13) D G There was a man named Scraggs D A7 Bought two dozen condoms a week. D G The drugstore clerk said nothing for months A7 D And finally she had to speak. D G What do you do with all those condoms? D A7 It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs. D G I feed them to my poodle A7 D Now she poops in plastic bags. [Verse 15] (ratedPG-13) D G One morning, the devil came to church, D A7 In a burst of smoke and flame, D G He ran up and down the aisle. A7 D He said, "Beelzebub is my name. D G I am evil incarnate, D A7 The object of all your fears!" D G The old man said, "You don't scare me at all, A7 D Been married to your sister for 48 years." [Verse 15] (ratedPG-13) D G Tommy went to confession, D A7 He said, "Forgive me for I have sinned." D G Father Murphy said, "With whom? A7 D Was it Megan or Marilyn? D G Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?" D A7 Tommy just rattled his beads. D G The priest gave him four Our Fathers A7 D And also five good leads." [Verse 16] (ratedPG-13) D G Jim and John had to share a room D A7 One night in a hotel. D G Jim said, "I snore so bad. A7 D I doubt you'll sleep that well." D G John kissed him on the cheek. D A7 He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right." D G And Jim went and sat in a chair A7 D And stayed awake all night. [Verse 17] (ratedG) D G Ole lay on his deathbed, D A7 He knew he was going to die. D G And then he smelled a beautiful smell A7 D Of Lena's rhubarb pie. D G He crept downstairs to the kitchen, D A7 There it was, he let out a moan. D G Then Lena whacked him with a broom: A7 D That's for the funeral. Leave it alone. [Verse 18] (ratedG) D G "Darling, you've always been with me. D A7 On life's long bumpy ride. D G Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy, A7 D You've been here by my side. D G My heart attack and the house burning down D A7 That night the lightning struck. D G And liver cancer - and now suddenly A7 D I'm starting to think that you're bad luck." D The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men, D You enjoy the same jokes again and again D And again and again and again! [Chorus] A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. A7 BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em G BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em D G Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee A7 D BAD JOKES for me. D Hey! ###
