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- A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
- What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter
- Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
- Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”, he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.
Mick says, “Well wait now, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
- A man phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. ‘Quick!’ he said. ‘Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!’
‘Tell me, is this her first baby?’ the intern asked.
‘No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.’
- Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,‘Not guilty.’
‘That’s grand!’ shouted Reilly. ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?
- A tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”To which the Irishman replies: “Well if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”
- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?’‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
- Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning I can’t break her out of it.Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.
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