Bar Jokes 14 – On the Rocks

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
“On time” is when you get there.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.
Lately you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.