Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What does a hamster have in common with a cigarette?
(Pause)
They’re harmless, unless you stick ’em in your mouth and light them on fire. –
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A FSH
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
“On time” is when you get there.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.
Lately you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
