Foregone conclusion
One Sunday, Pastor Andrew played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head.
The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped right onto the green. A squirrel came out and grabbed the ball, then a hawk came and grabbed the squirrel. Frightened the squirrel dropped the ball and it went into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”
The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
RD Issue: January 2008
Just wondering
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? —Steven Wright
RD Issue: January 2008
Not reassuring
I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?” —Terry Wisener
RD Issue: January 2007
Man up!
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
RD Issue: April 2008
Shifting priorities
As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.
A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”
The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”
RD Issue: February 2018
