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- A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks Jesse.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
- A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.”
- The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.
“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”
- A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”“After a considerable period of grieving,” he says, “I guess I would. We all need companionship.””If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?””We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so.””If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?””Well, the bed is brand-new. It’s going to last a long time. I guess she would.”“If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”
- A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning:
“Window’s frozen!”
His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.”
- A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.
There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’”
- Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”
- I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase.
- While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing.
“Good news,” he said. “I found them. They’ll be ready next Friday.”
- A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
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