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- A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
- “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one this afternoon”
- After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar. “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a Blow Job?”
- There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison”
- A unicorn walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, quite surprised to see a unicorn in the bar says, “That will be $7.50; and by the way, we’ve never seen a unicorn in here.”
The unicorn replies, “At $7.50 a beer, I can understand why.”
- A cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender asks, “Are you going to drink it, or just knock it over on purpose?”
- A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind in here.” The mushrooms replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”
- Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: “I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.”
I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!
- A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Apparently, I’m a gnome.”
- A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”
“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”
“I’m Batman.”
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