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- So I went to a bookshop and found a good joke book, to try and get some inspiration, or just plain steal a joke to use.
When I got home, I realized I’d accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed… upset… disappointed… vexed… disconcerted.
- Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”The friends turn and look around but there was no punch line…
- Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”
- Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.”
- A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.” The mom replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.”
- “Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.”
- A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
- A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
- For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
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