Pick your poison
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison”
The Thieving Fly
An Frenchman, German, and Irishman are drinking beer at a bar. A fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer. The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!”
Ducks Like Bread
A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any Bread?” Barman says: “No.” Duck says: “Got any bread?” Barman says: “No.” Duck says: “Got any bread?” Barman says: “No, Its a bar we dont sell bread.” Duck says: “Got any bread?” Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any bread!” Duck says: “Got any bread?” Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any bread, and if you ask me again and I’ll nail your beak to the bar!!” Duck says: “Got any nails?” Barman says: “No” Duck says: “Got any bread?
“Still Servin’ Breakfast?”
A guy walks into a bar and sits at a table.
He tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.” When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?”
She says yes, so he says “Then I’ll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon – well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”
Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!”
The guy says, “Funny… that’s what I had in here yesterday…”
Seeing Eye Dogs
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Here, the first drink’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man for the information and continues to the bar and asks for a drink.
Predictably, the bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring dogs in here!”
The second man replies “But this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender immediately replies, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and then replies “What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!”
